Lost in the Woods

So, I sold my laptop, or it will be gone as of 2 PM this afternoon.  I have been given a lot of crap because I am freaking out for not being happy about it. I do not want to be without my laptop, but it is going to a good home. The issue is change.

Bipolar people do not do well with change. My laptop is my connection to the world and even though I do have a killer Mac Pro at home, I have no internet to be connected to the world at the house.  I can go to College Coffee House and use their computers. I can also check out a computer at the UAF Library, which has an awesome media check out department.

If any of you remember Geoff changed the house around and I went into a tailspin. Last night I was crying and freaking out because I was removing everything about me from the laptop. But I have to focus on the fact that I will be getting a MacBook Pro because all they have are white MacBooks and I wanted the new MacBook they had, but forget it going to have to get the Pro because I am sick of the plastic covers.

But I did not want to have to pay for that, it sucks but oh well. It won’t be happening till after student loans.

Sorry I am so scattered, it has been a messed up week. To many changes with everyone and everything and I am not doing so well but I will level out soon enough. The best thing is that with the financial issues we are having we are doing much better than we ever have emotionally and within a partnership.

I will not even be updating this as much as I would like because I simply won’t have a laptop till September. Hope everyone has a good July 4th!  My friend Mike and I are going to see Ice Age and than Transformer 2 around five. That is when the drop happens, the laptop for the cash. I will miss her! She has been a good, loyal and constant friend!

• I need to sell my laptop and get a job. I am so behind in rent and I just want to crawl in a hole and have my own pity party #
• Macbook for sale for 500 comes with Adobe CS4 and Office Mac 2008
  See my rings for sale on http://twistedsistah.com/
  Yes I am shameles … #

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OK So there I was .. at this vacant lot and there was bratwurst and hamburgers and cabbage salad and a keg of PBR. OH MY! And I was JUST ASSISTING in this Keg Stand for Grant…. support staff and all!

It was fun and Mike and I had a blast and I did not hit the golf ball once, but it was not for trying!

Fairbanks is the best place in the world! I love living in Alaska, thank GOD we have what we do!

I did not have meds to take so I am behind in taking them, but I think I will be ok today only, I will take my day meds as soon as I get home!

First thing is going to be positive. Geoff and I are personally doing better than ever! We are in the hole deep and broke and yet we are loving each other even more. This is a good sign.

I have decided, as mentioned before, to sell my laptop and wait for a few months and get a new one in the fall. I wanted a new one anyway and we need rent money. Both of us have problems with spending without thinking.

I have been hanging with Michael a lot and we have been outside and also tanning on top so I look very good! I will upload photos as soon as I can get them to the laptop or to a computer at school after this sells.

At any rate, new meds to control the night terrors are doing ok and I am headed out now to hang with a bunch of Geologist and not drink and behave…… as best as I can.

That is it for all… a short non journalistic update. The next article will be about jobs and bipolarism, how do you handle it.

Ya on Facebook via my freaking Blackberry. I did not mean to do it but I thought I was talking private and apparently I was not. I feel awful and I wanted to put it out there that my very best friend in the world was hurt and hurt badly by me.

I am hoping that he is forgiven me by now.

On another note I went and saw Dr. Barker. I was given new medication and it is knocking me for a loop. We also are so broke that we are going to never be caught up with our rent. I hope we are not evicted. I need to NOT be out of a house and I do not want to live in the car.

Anyone interested in a MacBook or a Nikon D50 Digital SLR? Perhaps some jewelry? sigh.

Nothing else to report other than my eyes are swollen I am back to wanting my children to think I am dead because I am such a shitty mother and I really hope these new meds start working soon.

• FORBES SHOWER ROCKS…. DOUBLE SHOWER WITH MY MAN!! well one of my men… MY BEST FRIEND! SMMOOOOCHES ALL!!! #

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Here I sit waiting to see Dr. Barker’s office waiting to see her. I am going to ask about a new sleeping med because I am having bad dreams. Big time nightmares that occasionally turn into night terrors. I am thinking this is because I am coming up, on Saturday in fact, on my three-year anniversary for the attack and rape.  I hear a Russian or Slavic accent and I go into panic mode. Hopefully sleeping with a heavy dose of meds will help.  The Seroquel does not put me to sleep at all.  Last night Geoff got a six pack of  Deshuttes Inversion I.P.A. which ended with him being tipsy and me being ok to sleep at least six hours straight. He made a bunch of amiable phone calls and texts to all the friends that drunk call him. It was to funny He even texted Stephanie, his ex girl friend, which was to funny! She told him to go to bed. He was so cute though!  Tonight he says if I am a good girl we will make good food for dinner and have another, that is if the kids are not coming.
Speaking of kids, their step-mother has not bothered to even respond. So I have no clue if they are coming tonight or not!! Apparently not since it is s eight hours later and no word.  Mike came and got me today. Geoff has to work a mid shift so he was still asleep.  We had a lot of fun and now are going to share a shower, it is cheaper, at Forbes they have TWO heads in there… very nice.

We ate out twice today, probably should not have. I plan on getting a six pack for tonight for Geoff and I to celebrate being ALMOST out of debt.

Now for the doctors. I am on two meds for my thyroid, two for my bipolar and a alpha blocker which will help me sleep but mainly is  for my night terrors and flash backs. She said that it has a high success rate with Gulf War Vets.All I know is I slept like a rock all night and woke up with interesting nice dreams.

I hate being on all these drugs but it is better than being a crazy nut job who cannot handle her own like at her age of almost 42

Good afternoon everyone and I hope that summer is going as well as can be expected for us all!

Another good thing is all my paperwork is ready to go and soon I will be back to Kristine Louse MORTON!!! No more WEEKLEY!!!!!!!! Took me three times but I Got it right I think hanging with Geoff. He truly is my rock! Even if he can be someone of a Drama Queen at times. At least he puts up with me!

• Just chilling out again with my Homeslice Mike! I wanna go cuddle up! #
• Happy Friday. Geoff's last weekend till he has to work mid's off and on all week including weekends. ARGH! #

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Happy Friday everyone! I started the day off at 5 AM this morning when I fell back asleep after a pretty bad dream. The pay off was a pretty amazing dream. Dreaming happy thoughts are just as powerful as bad dreams, but in a positive sense, of course. I am not usually one to dream nice dreams.

Due to my PTSD I tend to have night terrors and those are not easily shaken once I wake up. I have been known to have the effects last for a few days after a particularly nasty one. Night terrors are distinct from nightmares in several key ways. First, the subject is not fully asleep when the night terror occurs. Unlike nightmares, which are frequently dreams of a frightening nature, night terrors are not recalled dreams. Usually there is no situation or event (scary or otherwise) that is dreamed, but rather the emotion of fear itself is felt. Often, this is coupled with tension and apprehension without any distinct sounds or visual imagery, although sometimes a vague object of fear is identified by the sufferer. These emotions, generally without a focusing event or scenario, increase emotions in a cumulative effect. Children can often recall the night terrors as they get older. In some cases, the triggering emotion remains over time until they can nearly fully recall what it is that caused their hysteria. An example of this emotional trigger could be having to perform an impossible task (counting stars, counting the texture of dried paint, etc…) or an image of some sort such as the folds of a human brain. The lack of a dream itself leaves those awakened from a night terror in a state of disorientation much more severe than that caused by a normal nightmare. This can include a short period of amnesia during which the subjects may be unable to recall their names, locations, ages, or any other identifying features of themselves. I can pretty much shake nightmares but night terrors are a different creature, as mentioned above. Usually with night terrors I need my Xanax and a bunch of sappy films to shake it, or some good old-fashioned cuddling with my man. If I cannot have Geoff, due to him being at work, I have a good friend who will help placate my freak-out mode and get me back on track.

If you suffer from night terrors for whatever reason, and usually it does involve some sort of trauma in the past, I suggest that you go and get some help. The chemicals that are left behind tend to unhinge you after a few and you can have serious side effects that last you a lifetime. If left untreated you can develop chronic insomnia, which in turn can lead to permanent disorders such as fibromyalgia and if you have the genetic predisposition, a volley of mental illnesses and disorders. So make sure you stay on top of your sleep patterns. I am just glad my dreams turned to a very very good subject matter, it makes my day.

The kids and I ended up having a blast. They are so much fun at times, well most of the time. I am so glad that I have such wonderful kids. Heather is still being really stodgy and acting put off with us around. I am getting sick of that. We ended up having a friend over after dropping them off so Geoff and I really had a nice, lovely weekend ending with a lovely chilly upstairs.

Today should be in the 80’s and I am already cooking! I am hoping to see my friend M today and perhaps even have more fun! Mike and I are at College Coffee House checking on my ebay auction and doing more homework. I was trying to figure out if I really want to be in class today or if I just should bag it once and stay home. Not that I do not like class but because it is so nice and I am not feeling so hot. Did not get a lot of sleep last night due to that friend coming over and Geoff waking me up left and right.