Lost in the Woods

Am going to stop even pretending that I am updating this. In fact, the funny thing is that I have not been on meds for who knows how long and am doing better. Meds screwed up college, who the hell knows just what I have, and if it is bipolarism then WTF?
ANYWAY look for me at a MUCH more fun blog at THE CABIN GODDESS

So as I have mentioned before, I come from the land of famous glass artists, Giant Octopi and Galloping Gertie … in other words, the Pacific Northwest. Gig Harbor to be exact, well from the April before my sixth birthday, before that we lived in University Place in Tacoma. But the whole reason for the rant at 12:25 PST and 11:25 my time is that.. well I am back home, in my old bedroom… waiting for s0me clothes to finish washing so I can go to sleep. But it has been a trying day.

The Tacoma Link Station, the old Railroad Station

I got to SEATAC at 2:30 and was exhausted and emotional. Geoff and I had fought for days before leaving. He had been sick and given me a touch of it a few days prior. I was just depressed and stressed and scared my mother would be overly critical as usual. I couldn’t have been more wrong. She even brought me food. She ended up just dropping me at Nathan’s house, my eldest son, because I was going to be going to watch him be the Trivia MC at his place in Tacoma, The Mix. I ended up crying on several of his friend’s shoulders because I really want Nathan to be going to college and he is living through his college fund for rent and whatever he makes for his one day of being the trivia MC. But my Dad has agreed with Nathan’s idea of getting his license to be a bartender and go he will make a decent living. Well better then nothing!

I slept over 10 hours after spending a wonderful night with Nate but last night at my old house in my old room I barely made it three hours. Now I am going t0 go varnish my dad’s Gig Harbor Gig for him for a Father’s Day present. Then shower and get ready for Amanda’s graduation ceremony!!

It is true it is really hard to come home.. but at least today I have not been having crying fits nor have I had one cigarette! WAHOOO!!

Where I had my Junior Prom... now it's ... I AM SO OLD!!!!

Nathan getting his gear ready for Trivia at Tacoma's THE MIX!

They had Mooses Drool! GO ALASKAN BEER!!!

My father when we went to an Irish Pub for lunch!

My old room.. part of it.. it is called the girls room now!

“We should come home from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day with new experience and character”
Henry David Thoreau quotes (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)

Location:35th St NW,Gig Harbor,United States

First and foremost, thank you for you kind words, concerns said and to those that dd not send in word but thought, thank you again.

I cycled into a full on crazed, cannot sleep creative mania. I have crocheted four scarves, two hats, created four pairs of beaded earrings, a 64 backside front affromation card ser, written 12 snail mail cards etc… I would have cleaned but I am sick with some croupy cough! Ugh

Thank you again. I think I can hack it, taking the meds with Geoff’s help and though not sleeping despite the drugs that should knoxknme on my ass! At least it is a good mania right now. I so want to sleep so bad. But no uninhibited pressures from the noggin and no desire to drink or chug Xanax! Oh I hate rapid cycling!

Again THANKS FRIENDS!!!

I did not register to school this fall. I can barely get out of bed. I go for long periods of doing ok then I cycle. Geoff doesn’t understand because my cycling involves me spending money or worse yet getting drink or taking to much Xanax. I know I am an addict but the weird thing is it only rears ita ugly head when I cycle. He doesn’t understand that without structure I cannot function. I don’t think the meds are really working buy it’s the best we can do right now. He says he hates me. Atleast he feels something for me. I know I have a codependent relationship. But I cannot survive on my own. I want him in my life because I love him with all my heart. But I also need Jim. I am so pitiful. I need to get on disability and some rehabilitation program. I am just scared to death of losing him. O think about suicide a lot. Bit that’s a coward way out. A quitter. Bout that is what I am all my life. A quitter. But if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I can’t quit.

I am greatly limited when not having campus internet and being at home with only my iPhone  to post from. I am doing ok. I have a lot to still work on and hopefully can do some work on this blog. I will be working on a blog on the lighter side of life called Cabin Bitch.  Going to discuss life just as it is living in a cabin in Alaska! TOOTLES!

Her lipstick leaves perfect imprints
On his mug as she finishes his coffee
The cup is wonderful like him
Even if it is chipped.

The red envelope
ripped open
the card
In her hands.

Her heartm
flutters
beating with
the kitchen clock.

Smiling softly
she slowly opens the card
reaching for another chocolate
In the box next to the cup.

She reads his words again
her heart beats faster
her smile grows wide
showing a bit of chocolate
on her lower lip.

The clock struck midnight
the box of chocolates empty
like the kitchen is now

But his chipped mug
now full of her tea
lipstick still staining
the empty box
The dog ratted card
made her full again

Posting live from Mikes house! Getting ready just to chill. This semester went bad, except for the math class which thankfully I passed with the help of a friend!

Just read this again and I forgot how much I love Tennyson!!

O YOUNG Mariner,
You from the haven
Under the sea-cliff,
You that are watching
The gray Magician
With eyes of wonder,
I am Merlin,
And I am dying,
I am Merlin
Who follow The Gleam.

Mighty the Wizard
Who found me at sunrise
Sleeping, and woke me
And learn’d me Magic!
Great the Master,
And sweet the Magic,
When over the valley,
In early summers,
Over the mountain,
On human faces,
And all around me,
Moving to melody,
Floated The Gleam.

Once at the croak of a Raven who crost it,
A barbarous people,
Blind to the magic,
And deaf to the melody,
Snarl’d at and cursed me.
A demon vext me,
The light retreated,
The landskip darken’d,
The melody deaden’d,
The Master whisper’d
“Follow The Gleam.”

Then to the melody,
Over a wilderness
Gliding, and glancing at
Elf of the woodland,
Gnome of the cavern,
Griffin and Giant,
And dancing of Fairies
In desolate hollows,
And wraiths of the mountain,
And rolling of dragons
By warble of water,
Or cataract music
Of falling torrents,
Flitted The Gleam.

Down from the mountain
And over the level,
And streaming and shining on
Silent river,
Silvery willow,
Pasture and plowland,
Horses and oxen,
Innocent maidens,
Garrulous children,
Homestead and harvest,
Reaper and gleaner,
And rough-ruddy faces
Of lowly labour,
Slided The Gleam.–

Then, with a melody
Stronger and statelier,
Led me at length
To the city and palace
Of Arthur the king;
Touch’d at the golden
Cross of the churches,
Flash’d on the Tournament,
Flicker’d and bicker’d
From helmet to helmet,
And last on the forehead
Of Arthur the blameless
Rested The Gleam.

Clouds and darkness
Closed upon Camelot;
Arthur had vanish’d
I knew not whither,
The king who loved me,
And cannot die;
For out of the darkness
Silent and slowly
The Gleam, that had waned to a wintry glimmer
On icy fallow
And faded forest,
Drew to the valley
Named to the shadow,
And slowly brightening
Out of the glimmer,
And slowly moving again to a melody
Yearningly tender,
Fell on the shadow,
No longer a shadow,
But clothed with The Gleam.

And broader and brighter
The Gleam flying onward,
Wed to the melody,
Sang thro’ the world;
And slower and fainter,
Old and weary,
But eager to follow,
I saw, whenever
In passing it glanced upon
Hamlet or city,
That under the Crosses
The dead man’s garden,
The mortal hillock,
Would break into blossom;
And so to the land’s
Last limit I came–
And can no longer,
But die rejoicing,
For thro’ the Magic
Of Him the Mighty,
Who taught me in childhood,
There on the border
Of boundless Ocean,
And all but in Heaven
Hovers The Gleam.

Not of the sunlight,
Not of the moonlight,
Not of the starlight!
O young Mariner,
Down to the haven,
Call your companions,
Launch your vessel,
And crowd your canvas,
And, ere it vanishes
Over the margin,
After it, follow it,
Follow The Gleam.

- Tennyson

Have not checked in in a long time. I have been having a rough semester and am doing worse in a lot of ways. The loss of a friend, my daughter Amanda being kicked out. Unable to Clem this disaster of a house and everything in between.

To top it off migraines from hell that are effecting my school. To top it off deep depression, no mania and no gumpstion to keep myself up. Hard to find the energy to even shower. I need to work on this blog. It is theraputic to say the least.

More to come

My main page on my website is now memoriam my friend Geoff Gilbert. memorial to Geoff Gilbert please visit and these other sites:

To anyone that wants to help support Geoff’s family in this difficult time you… can also send support via paypal to geoffgilbertmemorialfund@hotmail.com

In memory of Geoff Gilbert: Donations may be made to “The Gilbert Family Fund” at any Security State Bank or mailed to: “Gilbert Family Fund” c/o Security State Bank PO Box 1427 Chehalis, WA 98532 or “Gilbert Family Fund” c/o W.F. West High School 342 SW 16th St Chehalis, WA 98352

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