Lost in the Woods

I am greatly limited when not having campus internet and being at home with only my iPhone  to post from. I am doing ok. I have a lot to still work on and hopefully can do some work on this blog. I will be working on a blog on the lighter side of life called Cabin Bitch.  Going to discuss life just as it is living in a cabin in Alaska! TOOTLES!

Posting live from Mikes house! Getting ready just to chill. This semester went bad, except for the math class which thankfully I passed with the help of a friend!

I am sitting here at the Seatac Airport stressed out. The great thing is that the only reason I am able to post this without logging in with my Crackberry is because Goggle has given free Wi-Fi to the Airport travelers till January 15th. Now do not get me wrong, free is free, but considering the last few weeks and our current airport meltdowns due to Umar Abdulmutallab‘s extremely bizarre and completely idiotic act of attempted bombing on that Detroit flight with him flying in from Yemen, I believe we should have free wi-fi. Not just now, but from now on. I had to get up at the crack of dawn, be at the curb, check my bag because I came back with more than I left with, make it through security and than board a subterranean train to get to the satellite gates for Alaskan Airlines! The funny thing is that my two carry-on bags consist of one laptop case and my new sewing machine my mother gave me for Christmas!

The other reason for being freaked out is the weather in Fairbanks! Though we have  not had a true -40 degree weather it is still close. Weatherbug.com is saying it is -36.9 with the windchill. The other channels keep saying it is not even -30 degrees. Who knows. All I know is I screwed up and did not wear a nice layer of clothing. Thank goodness I packed gloves and my mom and dad bought me this bad ass cashmere and silk scarf AND that I have my Carhart jacket! so I can make it for the 8 mile trip. The other thing is, I did not smoke the whole time I was on my vacation and now I want one so badly but I do not want to give in and smoke again. Why lose what I can have as a gain, without a New Years resolution. The only problem with be Geoff smoking. I wish he had quit when I had.

Anyway the plane is about to get read to board, and I need to find a bathroom before I get on, and power this down till they let me take it out again. Who knows perhaps I will just watch my iPod.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and New Year! It is time for a new wonderful year of 2010!

One final almost done. Just have to matte and frame the photos for the photo show for my Inkjet printing class. It will be nice, I am calling it Since and Sensuality because there are so many sexual undertones to these macro shot photos. The teacher looked at them and said they were beautiful, which meant a lot because I was not sure I had pulled it off. I will be hanging them on Monday the 14th and they will be in the UAF Wood Center from then till February 18th! I will try to get some up on here so I can show it off and on Facebook. But I am not at home at the moment and won’t be able to do that till I have access to my Mac Pro at home. This is just a Toshiba and has no photo editing programs that will change the tif’s into jpegs.

I am going to try and write a paper to get it in on time for my class tomorrow but I doubt it. I am staying at a friend’s while Geoff is in Arizona and I have a hard time writing anywhere then at home. I then have to re-do one paper for that class and write a paper on King Lear that is due on the 14th too. I also have a final for the last class and two reading responses to write so I can at least have a chance for an A in that class, but I will settle for the B just so I have it done!

Thank goodness for Xanax because I have such high anxiety not being able to have the solace and safety of being at home. My mom sent me a Thanksgiving check so I have some money to take a taxi home tomorrow at least so I can clean the house for the kids when they get there on Friday and so I have one night to just CHILL and watch some TV on my big TV instead of the laptop. It has been so hard getting up in the morning because he gets up hours before I usually do, my friend that is. I got the right medications now so I know that is helping but my body and brain are still drug addled when I wake up. Plus not sleeping in my own bed and sharing a futon with two large dogs and my friend makes it hard for me to get to sleep so I have to top off my normal night meds with a half a Xanax just to sleep, but that is ok just makes me drugged out in the morning.

I managed to get back to my friend’s house on the new Grey Line bus route without completely going into a full on anxiety attack. Taking the bus always makes me so nervous, not sure why. It could be from the year I spent working for the local school bus company and having it bring back memories of my life before the divorce. It also could be because it is at night. But I managed to ride home yesterday night and early this morning on my own without missing it and without incident. I did not even have to take a Xanax this morning, mainly because I think because I had my final printed, and I found out a week early, which is never a bad thing.  So, I did not have to race to print, and I am the only one done. I am worried about cutting my mattes because the pictures are not perfect 11×14 inches they are more like 10.766×16.369 inches and one that is another off size. But I know I can do it just have to not freak out. Hopefully the frames that Jason has sitting in his office are fixable and I do not have to buy anymore because we are so short on money this time of year.

As for school next semester, I still am wondering if I want to fight with the financial aid office or just hope that my Pell Grant covers the whole tuition and books. Or I just take two classes and go from there. This is a definite possibility and maybe the best idea to give me a chance at getting my aid back for next year. It is going to be forever till I graduate, which kills me but we will see. After I finish these three classes we will see how bad it was that my math class was dropped this semester. I just hope I am back up to 75% completion so I can have my aid without a fight. I have to get a letter from my adviser again to say she thinks I can handle the four credits and supports me so the office will grant me my financial aid, but as I said before I am done stressing about that.

I have three weeks to be with my kids in WA for the holidays and although I will miss Geoff so much I will be able to relax and enjoy a vacation, the first in five years, out of state and with my family. I have not seen my brother or his family since summer of 2004, so it will be very nice for me.

So things are going better and hopefully I can pull off not failing Shakespeare again. I am going to give it my all, but I am not writing well enough for the teacher and so the best I can really hope for is to not fail. Even if I have to take it a third time or take it in the Spring with another teacher, I will do it. I have to, or all of this will have been for nothing.

It is that time of year again and here I sit with stained fingertips and three tye die shirts ready to hit the Bluegrass Festival in Anderson, AK! I have come down early with my friend Randy and am looking forward to a nice relaxing week and an exciting weekend whooping it up at the festival! It will be my first time there and I am finding myself pretty manic! I have been cleaning Randy’s dorm room here at Clear AFB and drinking to much coffee.

But I needed this. Geoff may be losing his job officially as of Friday and I do not want to even think about what is going to be happening when I do not have insurance! I may have to go off my meds. I made sure that I got three months supplies on Monday so I will not run out till at least mid fall! Thank goodness.

Summer time is going well. My daughter is doing well with her bipolar meds. She is on Lamictal and other than fighting with her sister she is happy as a clam. The last couple of weeks she and Josephine have been at my parents enjoying some time with them and doing activities they only can do there! Kayaking, sailing, swimming in the bay. It is going to be sad when they have to go back to the trailor park with their dad and step mom.

This again is a quicky and I will be getting more serious when school starts again in the fall. But I wanted to make sure people were  up to date. The other thing that is going on are our wildfires. They are very close to the river and the firemen do not seem to be able to get a handle on it.

Abilify maybe something I am getting off of because it makes me to manic even on the low dose I am on. But it has prevented me from needing Xanax all the time which is a plus. The rest of the medication seems to have me at maintenace.

I hope everyone is having a glorious summer. Fall is right around the corner and soon school will be starting. I cannot wait!!

OK So there I was .. at this vacant lot and there was bratwurst and hamburgers and cabbage salad and a keg of PBR. OH MY! And I was JUST ASSISTING in this Keg Stand for Grant…. support staff and all!

It was fun and Mike and I had a blast and I did not hit the golf ball once, but it was not for trying!

Fairbanks is the best place in the world! I love living in Alaska, thank GOD we have what we do!

I did not have meds to take so I am behind in taking them, but I think I will be ok today only, I will take my day meds as soon as I get home!

Here I sit waiting to see Dr. Barker’s office waiting to see her. I am going to ask about a new sleeping med because I am having bad dreams. Big time nightmares that occasionally turn into night terrors. I am thinking this is because I am coming up, on Saturday in fact, on my three-year anniversary for the attack and rape.  I hear a Russian or Slavic accent and I go into panic mode. Hopefully sleeping with a heavy dose of meds will help.  The Seroquel does not put me to sleep at all.  Last night Geoff got a six pack of  Deshuttes Inversion I.P.A. which ended with him being tipsy and me being ok to sleep at least six hours straight. He made a bunch of amiable phone calls and texts to all the friends that drunk call him. It was to funny He even texted Stephanie, his ex girl friend, which was to funny! She told him to go to bed. He was so cute though!  Tonight he says if I am a good girl we will make good food for dinner and have another, that is if the kids are not coming.
Speaking of kids, their step-mother has not bothered to even respond. So I have no clue if they are coming tonight or not!! Apparently not since it is s eight hours later and no word.  Mike came and got me today. Geoff has to work a mid shift so he was still asleep.  We had a lot of fun and now are going to share a shower, it is cheaper, at Forbes they have TWO heads in there… very nice.

We ate out twice today, probably should not have. I plan on getting a six pack for tonight for Geoff and I to celebrate being ALMOST out of debt.

Now for the doctors. I am on two meds for my thyroid, two for my bipolar and a alpha blocker which will help me sleep but mainly is  for my night terrors and flash backs. She said that it has a high success rate with Gulf War Vets.All I know is I slept like a rock all night and woke up with interesting nice dreams.

I hate being on all these drugs but it is better than being a crazy nut job who cannot handle her own like at her age of almost 42

Good afternoon everyone and I hope that summer is going as well as can be expected for us all!

Another good thing is all my paperwork is ready to go and soon I will be back to Kristine Louse MORTON!!! No more WEEKLEY!!!!!!!! Took me three times but I Got it right I think hanging with Geoff. He truly is my rock! Even if he can be someone of a Drama Queen at times. At least he puts up with me!

The kids and I ended up having a blast. They are so much fun at times, well most of the time. I am so glad that I have such wonderful kids. Heather is still being really stodgy and acting put off with us around. I am getting sick of that. We ended up having a friend over after dropping them off so Geoff and I really had a nice, lovely weekend ending with a lovely chilly upstairs.

Today should be in the 80’s and I am already cooking! I am hoping to see my friend M today and perhaps even have more fun! Mike and I are at College Coffee House checking on my ebay auction and doing more homework. I was trying to figure out if I really want to be in class today or if I just should bag it once and stay home. Not that I do not like class but because it is so nice and I am not feeling so hot. Did not get a lot of sleep last night due to that friend coming over and Geoff waking me up left and right.

So long time no blog. When I started this blog I had to post twice a week and it had to be a proper post with links etc.  When my Pods and Blogs class ended I promised myself I would do the same and for the most part, during Spring Semester, I did. But now that it is summer I am finding it hard to post. So instead of waiting for the being on campus and with the Internet, I decided to start posting by collective blogging with Word at home.

This weekend was finally a weekend with my kids. Thanks to my bad behavior and a controlling manipulative ex-husband, I do not get them on visits very often. Thanks to his wife I am not getting them as much as I am suppose too. So here we sit eating apples at 9:30 PM and watching an X-MEN flick. Liam is playing on the PSP while Willow and I cuddle under a mink blanket and watch the bad man version of this movie, X-MEN LAST STAND.

This weekend was supposed to be Geoff’s and mine with our friends at a local get together. But since Heather decided that she had Memorial Day without asking our weekends got messed up. Oh well, more time with the kids!! We made pizza tonight and had spinach salad for lunch and walked in the rain. What better medication than that. Than why do I have anxiety up the wazzu? Why can’t I just feel happy with the whole situation?

Three years ago I sustained a serious head injury that caused tons of problems and continues to cause problems. I had fallen down the stairs and the back of my head bounced down the stairs as I headed for the bottom. When I got myself up I was dizzy so I just sat on the couch trying to catch my breath. I ended up standing up to try to go use the outhouse again and fell face down. The next thing I knew it was seven hours later and Geoff thought I was drunk but could not understand because I had not drank a drop in so long and I did not smell like booze and I was getting worse.

The problem was I was starting to have a PTSD episode. I kept having flashes of my rape in 1997 and also hearing my ex-husband’s voice telling me it was my problem. Basically rendering me useless to trying to explain I had fallen. When he decided he needed to get me undressed and in bed he discovered that I had ripped my knee open so badly that it should have been stitched up. But I could not leave the house, no one could get me to leave because I was so scared about things that really were not happening. The doctor ended up saying it was a trauma induced agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder related to fear. With agoraphobia, you fear being in places where it may be difficult or embarrassing to get out quickly or where you may have a panic attack and can’t get help. Because of your fears, you avoid places where you think you may have a panic attack or panic-like symptoms.

This is exactly what was happening but since it was not all the time it qualified as trauma induced. This was one of the first trauma’s hitting me that started me down the road to finally getting diagnosed with bipoloar disorder.

The thing to remember is that mental disorders are not always genetic. Sometimes they are brought on, especially PTSD, by traumatic events. Not just pyschological ones but physical ones also, such as with mine. Most times rather then not, bipolarism is accompanied with another mental disorder, such as PTSD, an anxiety disorder and highly susceptable to substance abuse. If you even suspect you have it, like I did, go and see a professional. It has changed my life. As I have mentioned before, some parts for the worst and a lot more for the better.