Three years ago I sustained a serious head injury that caused tons of problems and continues to cause problems. I had fallen down the stairs and the back of my head bounced down the stairs as I headed for the bottom. When I got myself up I was dizzy so I just sat on the couch trying to catch my breath. I ended up standing up to try to go use the outhouse again and fell face down. The next thing I knew it was seven hours later and Geoff thought I was drunk but could not understand because I had not drank a drop in so long and I did not smell like booze and I was getting worse.

The problem was I was starting to have a PTSD episode. I kept having flashes of my rape in 1997 and also hearing my ex-husband’s voice telling me it was my problem. Basically rendering me useless to trying to explain I had fallen. When he decided he needed to get me undressed and in bed he discovered that I had ripped my knee open so badly that it should have been stitched up. But I could not leave the house, no one could get me to leave because I was so scared about things that really were not happening. The doctor ended up saying it was a trauma induced agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder related to fear. With agoraphobia, you fear being in places where it may be difficult or embarrassing to get out quickly or where you may have a panic attack and can’t get help. Because of your fears, you avoid places where you think you may have a panic attack or panic-like symptoms.

This is exactly what was happening but since it was not all the time it qualified as trauma induced. This was one of the first trauma’s hitting me that started me down the road to finally getting diagnosed with bipoloar disorder.

The thing to remember is that mental disorders are not always genetic. Sometimes they are brought on, especially PTSD, by traumatic events. Not just pyschological ones but physical ones also, such as with mine. Most times rather then not, bipolarism is accompanied with another mental disorder, such as PTSD, an anxiety disorder and highly susceptable to substance abuse. If you even suspect you have it, like I did, go and see a professional. It has changed my life. As I have mentioned before, some parts for the worst and a lot more for the better.

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So I have two friends that have been having some really shitty problems. This shows us that not talking to each other then letting go on New Years Eve with the female being the designated driver. I know that there are reasons, mainly her not communicating how she felt and using her past as an excuse. She was the one that told me that when I got raped, and to her defense how she got gang raped if she got over it I should too, that I should not to wallow over it, to just get over it. It really upset me but I had been a bad friend off and on and I just took it and did not really communicate with her very much afterwords.

I introduced them when we worked together and now they have been living together forever a year. She went with him to do some fieldwork down south and he did what he did for me and got her to get back into school.

I know how hard and heavy my male friend can be. We used to be close, lovers in fact.
He is the sweetest person but he also knows how to say “fuck you I want to see you and I am feeling left out of your life, etc.. ” I know how much I hurt him.  I love him to pieces.

But New Years Eve he got drunk and screamed some horrid things at her, very horrid. He screwed up big, but not enough for her to completely be ignoring him and bullshitting to him about certain things, at least since I know how she does bullshit. But it is  something that can be taken care of with communication. Her actions were not conducive to that in my opinion, which is what this is.  She just disappeared and tells him nothing that will even explain what is really going on with her at first. I tried texting her and got nothing. Problem is I also know her by her being an employee to Geoff and also one of my employees. She has had a fucked up life and my male friend was the best thing that could have happened to her and vice-versa.

Herein lies the issue. I just found out he told her that I said to break up with her. ARGH I
did not. If I had to choose between the two of them it would be my male friend only
because I know him well enough to know he is one of the most incredible and loving
person I know.

Now the female has menstruation issues, a lot of pain, a lot of emotion. On top of that she basically raised herself due to her mother being a drunk and yelling and screaming at her, so I can understand why this upset her. But it is over a week and they are basically communicating with text messaging and a few phone calls. She is staying at her grandparents right now and honestly, as of now, I think they do need a break. Not breaking up but a break to get everything leveled out. Not just because I think they do not belong together, because I think they do a great job as a couple most of the time. The female tends to have an excuse for all her emotional baggage. Which I find interesting since she told me to just get over the rape perhaps because she is detached herself.

She has depression issues and self-identity issues and I ponder to think perhaps she is afraid of true commitment. I know my male friend can be harsh at times but again so can she.  She probably has fibromyalgia. She has the classic symptoms. When she is in pain it takes everything out of her. I just did not  appreciate being pulled into the middle. So he owes me a home cooked meal and strawberries, or at least I told him that, and I do expect it to happen dang it all! She does not take any anti-depressants anymore. When she was on them while she worked with me she was OK.

This all came to a head when she wanted to go drink coffee with friends after they got home from the New Years party, friends  she refuses to introduce him too. It really upsets him and I do not blame him. But I did not pontificate on it but to encourage him to not hide out in his house and go do something. Skijoring, going to friends who invite him over and no more drinking, which he already said he was not going to do anyway.

I have a lot of my own issues, which is for another post. And it is one thing to be And it is one thing to be supportive of a friend, and if she had called I would have done the same thing. In fact we went out before Christmas and I did just that. I told her she has to talk to him in depth and hide nothing from him. She obviously did not do that. supportive of a friend, and if she had called I would have done the same thing for her even if I was in the middle. In fact we went out before Christmas and I did just that. I told her she has to talk to him in depth and hide nothing from him. She obviously did not do that. Communication is the key, especially when dealing with depression with a good dose of holiday cheer to top it off! Here is what a nice little site said about relationships during the holidays, there is a great deal more info so please go and read up on it. It will help if you are dealing with the same thing: Stress, depression and the holidays: 12 tips for coping – MayoClinic.com

Relationships. Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time. But tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify — especially if you’re all thrust together for several days. Conflicts are bound to arise with so many different personalities, needs and interests. On the other hand, if you’re facing the holidays without a loved one, you may find yourself especially lonely or sad.

Geoff is in the other room watching Star Wars III, in other words the first one. He wants to start off an RPG since he has all these books and is so excited about it. I am in watching a new House, which I so love. Curmudgeonly men appeal to me for some reason.

We are house sitting for his mother and stepfather. It has been very pleasant to have running water, a dishwasher and laundry facilities. But I am having compulsion issues. For the first time in a long time I wanted to kill a bottle of wine. I cannot do that, so I am cuddling, reading, taking advantage of the two cat residents, plus it is just beautiful. As you can see the ice fog is really dense, this was taken a few days ago. Plus it has been around -50 for days!

I am drinking coffee again and I feel really guilty. But his mom bought me special chocolate truffle
coffee. I usually do not like flavored coffee but this is just a touch.

But I digress again for the reason of this post, which is the movie Star Wars. I just wrote
a post on Princess Leia and her struggle with manic depression, or bipolarism. I have also
written a post on Stephen Fry, who now is a regular, ironically, playing a psychologist for
the FBI on Bones. I am reminded his quote “A Hollywood producer once told me you do not need to be gay or Jewish to get on here, just bipolar. He meant of course larger then life. Furiously energetic, endlessly creative! Manic types do well in Hollywood and all of show business for that matter. Manic highs and crippling lows seem to go with the territory and do not attract the stigma found everywhere else.” (Stephen Fry)”. Maybe that director had a point. Mania is productive. I know when I am manic, in a happy way, I can retain information and work theories out easier.  Again this is why people on medication really miss their mania.

I have been crazy depressed. If I was still married to Bill it would be our 10th anniversary. I think the reason it bothers me the most is because of what he is doing to me at the moment. My medications were causing me to sound like I just had a bunch of drinks. He did not even call he e-mailed me with the news so I have not even seen the kids since Willow’s birthday, and as you can see it was a success. I am so sick of being blamed for their problems. They are perfect with me. But I am trying to be the good guy. I was the only adult who suited up and made sure the kids tested so they could go off the diving boards. Liam jumped off the high dive, I am so proud of them. I am so proud of both of them, and I miss them so much.  I have not called, because I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I do not. He is  even manipulating my father. He says there is no way I was not drinking. The problem was he said this while Geoff was sitting right next to me on the couch and recovering from a bad med morning. I am finally on meds I am not cutting in half so it is like starting all over again and if they call to early in the morning or I take Xanax to close to the night meds, I sound whacked. He is in trouble though, if they do not let me see them next weekend, I am going to go to the court, set up arrangements to have me tested each Friday before the visitation and since I wil be clean, the courts will hold him in contempt
and they will fine him.

These are the things that happen to people who are bipolar. He is using my disorder to tell me I am unsafe for the kids. Just writing this it makes me so angry and depressed again. Thank goodness I have insurance now and I have a doctor appointment on the 12th. I will be getting a statement from her for the courts just in case and I also will be asking for another medication to support my problems with inhibition. I also am going back into therapy when Spring semester comes up.

Anyway, my New Years revolution, to live my life to the best of my ability, to focus on school, and to work on getting myself into shape, these and other positive things will help my self esteem. I also am going through all my clothes and giving 50% of them to the local Women’s Center.  So everyone smile, even me. There are those with worse stories out there, and as my friend likes to remind me, they are dead.

Recently I was informed that my beautiful eldest daughter was diagnosed with biopolar. I guess I am not surprised I always knew there were genetics behind something like there is, just like wiht ADD.

There is a study going on at The Columbia Bipolar Genetic Study. Some of the things mentioned that they have learned thus far are:

Is bipolar disorder a genetic condition?

Bipolar disorder runs in families.

The children of parents with manic depression are at increased risk for developing the disease themselves, even if they are adopted and raised by parents who do not have this condition. This clearly points to the involvement of genetic influences.

Twin studies provide additional support for the importance of genetic factors. The identical twin of someone who suffers from manic depression is at a much greater risk for the illness than a fraternal twin. Because identical twins share all their genes and fraternal twins share only half their genes, this difference in risk highlights the role of heredity as a cause of the disorder.

Do other factors play a role in determining who develops the disorder?

Environmental factors are also believed to play a role in determining who is susceptible to the disease. Such factors may include certain viral infections, toxic agents, and emotional stress.

What is currently known about the specific genes involved?

Because bipolar disorder, or manic depression, is common in the general population, it is believed that several — possibly many — genes are involved in the illness. (About 1% of the population suffer from bipolar disorder, and an additional 10% to 15% have related conditions such as hypomania and depression.)

In recent years, linkage between the illness and genetic markers has been reported by several investigators, but the genes themselves have yet to be isolated.

The Columbia Bipolar Genetic Study has reported a possible marker for the disease gene on chromosome 21. This finding has been reproduced by other investigators.

Other groups have reported possible markers on other chromosomes, including chromosomes 4, 13, 18, and the X-chromosome.

The disease may not be caused by the same gene or genes in all individuals.

Some genes may be involved because they interact with other genes.