Lost in the Woods

I am greatly limited when not having campus internet and being at home with only my iPhone  to post from. I am doing ok. I have a lot to still work on and hopefully can do some work on this blog. I will be working on a blog on the lighter side of life called Cabin Bitch.  Going to discuss life just as it is living in a cabin in Alaska! TOOTLES!

So here it is 2010. I made it home fine with all my luggage in tow. Geoff could not get me from the airport so I took a taxi home. When I get there the cat had decided the litter box was not up to par so I had to clean that mess up right away. Than things got weird. I really cannot tell you much because it is pretty much a blank.

I experienced a major sense of displacement and feeling out of sorts. Geoff has told me things three and four times because I am not rembering asking. Then to top that off I have Benny experiencing a horrid flu/cold that according to doctor is more than likely swine flu. I do however tend to disagree so far with that because after having a horrid day yesterday with a high fever, I am doing ok today. Still am sick but no where what it was yesterday.

Oh, and my Blackberry died or was in the process. They wanted $45 for a new battery and my keypad and trackball were going. With $125 deductible what was the point? So for about $30 more dollars Geoff decided that it was time I got my iPhone. I have to say I love it so much more than the Blackberry. I did like that phone but after two years I think it did it’s job.

Now I am waiting on my grants, scholarships and loans to get here. Having them direct deposited was supposed to allow us to get our funds earlier. Since we have no physical book store everything has to be ordered online. I will be starting my semester off without books. Lovely! Three English classes and a math class with no books!

So I am back in Fairbanks, starting school in two days, and feeling like death warmed over. Should be a great rest of the week!

So here we go! Crackberry is sending you this message via my finger tips. Less then 48 hours till I am back in class!

Great news on classes, other then the math fiasco. Teacher dropped the ball which really pissed me off. I could have shot for a passing grade but she said she dropped me. WTF is up with that?

English two classes and I managed to not only pass Shakespeare, but I will never have to take the class again! YES! Medieval Literature and Inkjest printing was fantastic and I got ‘A’s in both. YA me!!

Less than 48 hours till I am landing in WA. I cannot wait to see all my family again and my best friend Kelly! This is going to be high stress but totally worth it!

One final almost done. Just have to matte and frame the photos for the photo show for my Inkjet printing class. It will be nice, I am calling it Since and Sensuality because there are so many sexual undertones to these macro shot photos. The teacher looked at them and said they were beautiful, which meant a lot because I was not sure I had pulled it off. I will be hanging them on Monday the 14th and they will be in the UAF Wood Center from then till February 18th! I will try to get some up on here so I can show it off and on Facebook. But I am not at home at the moment and won’t be able to do that till I have access to my Mac Pro at home. This is just a Toshiba and has no photo editing programs that will change the tif’s into jpegs.

I am going to try and write a paper to get it in on time for my class tomorrow but I doubt it. I am staying at a friend’s while Geoff is in Arizona and I have a hard time writing anywhere then at home. I then have to re-do one paper for that class and write a paper on King Lear that is due on the 14th too. I also have a final for the last class and two reading responses to write so I can at least have a chance for an A in that class, but I will settle for the B just so I have it done!

Thank goodness for Xanax because I have such high anxiety not being able to have the solace and safety of being at home. My mom sent me a Thanksgiving check so I have some money to take a taxi home tomorrow at least so I can clean the house for the kids when they get there on Friday and so I have one night to just CHILL and watch some TV on my big TV instead of the laptop. It has been so hard getting up in the morning because he gets up hours before I usually do, my friend that is. I got the right medications now so I know that is helping but my body and brain are still drug addled when I wake up. Plus not sleeping in my own bed and sharing a futon with two large dogs and my friend makes it hard for me to get to sleep so I have to top off my normal night meds with a half a Xanax just to sleep, but that is ok just makes me drugged out in the morning.

I managed to get back to my friend’s house on the new Grey Line bus route without completely going into a full on anxiety attack. Taking the bus always makes me so nervous, not sure why. It could be from the year I spent working for the local school bus company and having it bring back memories of my life before the divorce. It also could be because it is at night. But I managed to ride home yesterday night and early this morning on my own without missing it and without incident. I did not even have to take a Xanax this morning, mainly because I think because I had my final printed, and I found out a week early, which is never a bad thing.  So, I did not have to race to print, and I am the only one done. I am worried about cutting my mattes because the pictures are not perfect 11×14 inches they are more like 10.766×16.369 inches and one that is another off size. But I know I can do it just have to not freak out. Hopefully the frames that Jason has sitting in his office are fixable and I do not have to buy anymore because we are so short on money this time of year.

As for school next semester, I still am wondering if I want to fight with the financial aid office or just hope that my Pell Grant covers the whole tuition and books. Or I just take two classes and go from there. This is a definite possibility and maybe the best idea to give me a chance at getting my aid back for next year. It is going to be forever till I graduate, which kills me but we will see. After I finish these three classes we will see how bad it was that my math class was dropped this semester. I just hope I am back up to 75% completion so I can have my aid without a fight. I have to get a letter from my adviser again to say she thinks I can handle the four credits and supports me so the office will grant me my financial aid, but as I said before I am done stressing about that.

I have three weeks to be with my kids in WA for the holidays and although I will miss Geoff so much I will be able to relax and enjoy a vacation, the first in five years, out of state and with my family. I have not seen my brother or his family since summer of 2004, so it will be very nice for me.

So things are going better and hopefully I can pull off not failing Shakespeare again. I am going to give it my all, but I am not writing well enough for the teacher and so the best I can really hope for is to not fail. Even if I have to take it a third time or take it in the Spring with another teacher, I will do it. I have to, or all of this will have been for nothing.

While everyone was enjoying their Thanksgiving feast, I was popping herbal sleeping pills with xanax so I would sleep through it. Geoff had to work and EVERYONE and their mother was calling or emailing me or texting me. This was the first year I have not been invited over to someone elses house. As soon as they heard Geoff was working they thought I was taken care of and never asked. Friday rolls around and they all felt awful. But I stayed in bed and slept. It was glorious.

Now we have the beginning of this week. Where I stay at a friends house so Geoff can go to his conference and not worry about me driving in the snow.  To top it off we are negative in the bank and I just realized the food I did have I left at the house.  I just want to stay at the house. I did have an offer to be driven but I would be going into school at 6 AM and I do not think I would be able to be at school that long, NO way, NO how, nonononono. And now I find out that my friend does not have a DVD player and so thank goodness I have my computer I can watch TV on. I have to go to sleep with something on. Oh well… I will make it through the week, but at least I am not suicidal.

I was for a bit last night, because Geoff thought he was leaving then and he fought with me tooth and nail and said I should just go live with my parents. I about died inside.

This is going to be an interesting week. It is really going to suck ass. But life is crappy at times, you just have to go with the flow, even if I have to take a bus at 0- dark thirty!

I have done some really messed up things to my friends that directly correlate to my bipolarism. I drank horribly and I always was getting rides to the store for more. I blew it, but that was years ago. I have forged new friendships and that is not an issue anymore. The problem is that it will haunt me for all my days because of how I feel and because of how others keep it alive.

I am broken therefor I am not worthy to be an equal. I have a mental illness but it is not an excuse for anything about me, but it is an excuse for them to slander and to talk behind my back. I just want to have a few friends I can trust. I obviously cannot. Which brings upon another aspect. I cannot trust myself therefor I tend to abuse my relationship with Geoff and he gets the distrust from me and now he is questioning his trust because I cannot be forthright in how I feel or what is going on because of the simple fact he is sick of hearing about it. I am deathly afraid I am going to lose him. Everyone I know eventually leaves me.

Sorry that is all folks. I had to put it down somewhere.

• freezing and excited about getting my license on thursdsay! Thanks Dad #
• missed the mteor shower. fell asleep snuggled in his arms. Still sick and has to remeber to turn her ringer off at night #
• watching 300 while I try to recover from this crude!! #
• proving i can tweet from the crackberry by going to their website just for you nino! #
• celibrating Geoff's birthday nine is on Sunday! yay #
• stalker #
• Futurama time that shower made me feel so much better no more body aches!! #
• watching more Harry Potter and liking ATT more and more! #
• figured out how to turn device notices onto her mobile SIMS #
• obviously no one is awake but me no twittering or facebook activity going on slept to much today!! #
• Earin' Mstard and Pretzels. Yummy #
• I am finally going to try and get some sleep. iHome take me away!! #
• has 3 days left till her birthday ugh!! awake again and thinking about her friends at Summer Cornet ad the process of getting her license #
• is up and has makeup done and curling hair! license day!! #
• going to take my written test wish me luck #
• feeling better after her nap going to relax with some light reading with a serial killer novel #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• at the michael feldman show!! #
• Chilling out after What'Ya Know. Listen tomorrow on 89.9 KUAC. It rocked #
• xanax and waking up at 3 AM do not work! #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• Tie dying new shirts for the Anderson Bluegrass Festival!! WOOOT! Staying in Clear till than!! #
• Glad i am not in the heat of Squarebanks! Had a wonderful halibut lasagna with white sauce that was to die fore! #
• Just one more day till the festival and what happens? I get a stomach bug… UGH #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

I found this very informative considering my daughter was diagnosed. I know I am not alone here especially after reading this article! You can find the site at http://www.examiner.com/

written by: Heather Sedlock Go to Heather’s Home Page

First, the phrases that a parent uses can often be helpful or hurtful. Some of the phrases that can help include:

• • You are not alone in this. I am here for you.
• • I understand that you have an illness and that is not your fault. It is what causes these feelings and thoughts that you have.
• • You may not believe it now, but you’re feelings will change.
• • You are important to me. Your life is important.
• • Tell me what I can do now to help you.
• • We can do this together.

Some of the things to avoid saying include:

• • It’s all in your head
• • We all go through times like this
• • You’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much
• • You have so much to live for; why would you want to die?
• • Just snap out of it
• • What’s wrong with you?
• • Shouldn’t you be better by now?

Some of those phrases to avoid may seem obvious, some not so much. Take the phrase “You have so much to live for; why would you want to die?” This may seem an innocent statement; however, it can be harmful because it causes the person to focus on the negative. When asking “Why would you want to die” the person could think about all the bad parts of life which make it seem so overwhelming. Much like positive thoughts, negative thoughts have a snowball effect. If you think one negative thought, another is sure to follow, especially if one is in a depressive state already.
Another way a loved one can help is by providing lifestyle changes. Healthy diet, exercise and a sleeping routine all help with good mental health for anyone, especially with those who have a mood disorder. Identify the areas in life the person would like to change and set goals to help them change.

For instance, if the person with bipolar disorder does not have a set bed-time, or wake-time, have them write the goal “I will go to bed by XXX p.m. and wake up at XXX a.m.” Having the child help decide bedtimes and wake times will give them the sense that they have control over some aspects of the disorder.
If the child has troublesome eating habits, visit with a nutritionist to help develop a lifestyle eating plan. This is not a diet in the sense of weight loss, but a diet in the sense of an eating plan. Fresh foods help boost moods and provide a healthier physical body which will tolerate exercise.
Exercise of any kind is good. If the child is not typically physically active, start slow. Consult with a physician or the health teacher at school for fun exercises. Exercise is a natural mood booster and helps stabilize the mood swings.
Goal-setting is one of the biggest things caretakers can do to help their child make progress. The child will work on goal-setting with his or her therapist or doctor, but parents can help too. Working with the child and mental health professional, the parent can outline the goals that the child wishes to complete: both long-term and short-term goals. Perhaps creating this goal list on a poster board will help the child remember what he or she is working towards. Placing the poster on the child’s wall will provide a visual reminder. The child can then cross off the tasks completed and achieve a sense of accomplishment. If there are too many goals, break them down into shorter action plans, such as a monthly or weekly basis.
Above all, be supportive. Know that the bipolar disorder is not his or her fault, it is not your fault but with treatment things can get better. There is no cure at this time. Having the child involved in his or her treatment teaches the child how to handle the problems that will last throughout his or her lifetime. Just as a child with juvenile diabetes is taught about his or her illness, so should a child with bipolar disorder or any mental health disorder.