Lost in the Woods

Quickie update! Seems like that is all I do lately! Let’s run it down.

#1 All my funding for school is coming WITHOUT any contracts or probation due to medical reasons!

#2 My kids are all doing well!

#3 My mother and I are still getting along here in WA which is amazing considering our history.

#4 Am at Kelly’s house with her four kids and two dogs hanging out and having a good time already!

#5 I got five inches cut off my hair, pictures to come later!

#6 I get to be back in AK in a few days, and cannot wait!

#7 Have only had to take Xanax 4 times since Christmas morning, and no self medicating!

So so far so good, the rest of my top ten to come later tonight!

I find myself embracing the first Canto of Dante today. Big surprise since I just took a midterm and had to write about Canto I when Dante, the narrator, finds himself in the dark woods.  His exile from his beloved Florence, bitter sweet love he has for it although, has him contemplating suicide and finds himself in a dark wood confronted with his demons in the form of animals… The wolf being the wolves of Florence, the merchants, and those that exiled him. I find myself back in that wood remembering my rape and assault three years ago.

I was in the dark wood on that fateful day, walking home from Chaos, exiling myself from the craziness of a party gone TO wild for my taste.  I was subsequently approached and when I would not answer in a language that these two men could understand, for I was not of Slavic descent, I was attacked, raped and after bashing my head into a tree several times and stomped upon, left for dead. This was the beginning of my journey into the world of being bipolar. For it raised it’s ugly and expansive mind blowing head all at once into my life.. much like Dante’s use of Cerebus and his three heads of horror. I was faced with the horror of my own path, the horror of the path of my mind, and the horror of the actions done to me.  On top of it all, I am taking Shakespeare this semester and we just finished Titus Andronicus and with Lavinia’s rape and assault by the Goth Queen’s sons. I at times look down at my hands these days and see in terror that they are not there as they were anymore. They do not work as they should, and they do not guide me as well anymore. I do not have the mind I used to have, it is altered. In someways for good, and in others at a loss of creativity. I find beauty in the image of her hands as beautiful barren branches as the famous movie with Anthony Hopkins and Titus shows her, a beauty. I find her loss much as mine, the loss of her tongue, turned into nothing but a violent offal.

But apparently I am wandering, and the wolf is my own self. I fight against my self and my mind daily. I cannot keep my house the way it should be, to help keep me calm. I find my ability to put together a good critical essay impossible to please teachers.  I tend to be so esoteric that they do not get where I am coming from. I tell them I am not simplistic, I do not want to just reguritate what I read, I want to explore what I have learned. But alas with some teachers I must do that with my own time, which I have very little of.  With that time I find myself playing a video game or two and losing myself in a world of fantasy, or in a forbidding book not on my reading list, and even in television series, of which I am an addict of many.

But even through the darkness that surrounds me, I see the light that Dante ultimately finds at the end of his journey through hell. Perhaps I will finally find my way through, or at least learn to go hither and through as I please. In control of some sense of my own nature. Her horror is a beauty to some, and I am one of those that find that violence and travisty a beauty, only because I am learning to embrace it as one of my own nature, just one of my paths in the darkness of my woods.

This is a complete bitch session and I am scared too. I am not going to be able to pass Shakespeare EVER!! I cannot wrap my brain around this freaking class and it is the second time I have taken it. I just want to f’ing cry, wait I am.

I do not want to post to much because I am sure this teacher is a stalker.  But I AM JUST at my wits end! I worked so hard.

In all other classes I am really doing well, in this one, NO!

ENOUGH SAID… let the screaming commence!!

Feeling panicky because of this incomplete. I just need to hunker down and do it! I figure I can start tomorrow since I have no class and the house is virtually clean. We still need to go grocery shopping but Geoff probably can do that on his way home.

Continental Lit is not as scary as it was and math is still my panic. I was stupid to take it online but I did not have a choice due to the fact the instructor is not someone I can learn from.

I got my stuff squared away for student disability services and so that is one last thing. Paid a couple of bills and now to get my meds back on track.

I am still feeling shook up because the power went out for almost two hours at the house. It was uncannily quiet and so dark. I never have been afraid of the dark like I was last night. Thank goodness I have a quick fix; hugs from Geoff and Xanax!

• freezing and excited about getting my license on thursdsay! Thanks Dad #
• missed the mteor shower. fell asleep snuggled in his arms. Still sick and has to remeber to turn her ringer off at night #
• watching 300 while I try to recover from this crude!! #
• proving i can tweet from the crackberry by going to their website just for you nino! #
• celibrating Geoff's birthday nine is on Sunday! yay #
• stalker #
• Futurama time that shower made me feel so much better no more body aches!! #
• watching more Harry Potter and liking ATT more and more! #
• figured out how to turn device notices onto her mobile SIMS #
• obviously no one is awake but me no twittering or facebook activity going on slept to much today!! #
• Earin' Mstard and Pretzels. Yummy #
• I am finally going to try and get some sleep. iHome take me away!! #
• has 3 days left till her birthday ugh!! awake again and thinking about her friends at Summer Cornet ad the process of getting her license #
• is up and has makeup done and curling hair! license day!! #
• going to take my written test wish me luck #
• feeling better after her nap going to relax with some light reading with a serial killer novel #

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• at the michael feldman show!! #
• Chilling out after What'Ya Know. Listen tomorrow on 89.9 KUAC. It rocked #
• xanax and waking up at 3 AM do not work! #

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• Tie dying new shirts for the Anderson Bluegrass Festival!! WOOOT! Staying in Clear till than!! #
• Glad i am not in the heat of Squarebanks! Had a wonderful halibut lasagna with white sauce that was to die fore! #
• Just one more day till the festival and what happens? I get a stomach bug… UGH #

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It is that time of year again and here I sit with stained fingertips and three tye die shirts ready to hit the Bluegrass Festival in Anderson, AK! I have come down early with my friend Randy and am looking forward to a nice relaxing week and an exciting weekend whooping it up at the festival! It will be my first time there and I am finding myself pretty manic! I have been cleaning Randy’s dorm room here at Clear AFB and drinking to much coffee.

But I needed this. Geoff may be losing his job officially as of Friday and I do not want to even think about what is going to be happening when I do not have insurance! I may have to go off my meds. I made sure that I got three months supplies on Monday so I will not run out till at least mid fall! Thank goodness.

Summer time is going well. My daughter is doing well with her bipolar meds. She is on Lamictal and other than fighting with her sister she is happy as a clam. The last couple of weeks she and Josephine have been at my parents enjoying some time with them and doing activities they only can do there! Kayaking, sailing, swimming in the bay. It is going to be sad when they have to go back to the trailor park with their dad and step mom.

This again is a quicky and I will be getting more serious when school starts again in the fall. But I wanted to make sure people were  up to date. The other thing that is going on are our wildfires. They are very close to the river and the firemen do not seem to be able to get a handle on it.

Abilify maybe something I am getting off of because it makes me to manic even on the low dose I am on. But it has prevented me from needing Xanax all the time which is a plus. The rest of the medication seems to have me at maintenace.

I hope everyone is having a glorious summer. Fall is right around the corner and soon school will be starting. I cannot wait!!

• Still house and dog sitting. Broke a foot this weekend… chilling out in the fires. It is not smokey as much as foggy!! #

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• I just assisted in the kegstands, I did NOT PARTICIPATE! I swear! The party was lovely & the people & the food!! & the dogs kept us warm #
• I sold the laptop. I will miss her a lot… But at least we are going to be ok financially! #
• Sitting here wondering why … I mean why are we bothering to care? #

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