Lost in the Woods

Well February is Bipolar Awareness Month. In the spirit of this I decided to write my own do’s and don’ts that refer a lot to me and may be applicable for others who are suffering. If you know someone who is bipolar and do not know much about the disorder or you are not sure how to respond or react or support that person, this may help.

Do: If you see me at a standstill, gently push me into doing something or getting back in routine with a baby step.

A list of three things that I can easily finish in 15-30 minutes is my best step-off to getting back into routine. I know I can accomplish at least two and I usually will. If you only give me one thing to do, I probably will not be able to do it.

Don’t: Keep pressuring if I am not getting back into the groove. Pushing hard just makes me bury myself deeper.

If the list does not work, try another one or suggest working with me to get something going. Sometimes I have to be pushed into getting out of bed and brushing my hair. If I insist I cannot, do not get upset and go off in a huff. Realize that I am not ready and perhaps suggest to brush my hair, or even suggest changing my clothes. If I get out of bed to change clothes, I usually do not go back into bed and will brush my hair and do something.

Do: Listen and try to problem solf with me, not for me. Listen to me talk.

Don’t: Hear everything as the law in regards to Kriss. Try to listen to what I am saying and not drill me with questions in response.

Sometimes I just start rambling. Let me. At the end if all I did is babble, suggest that we do something together, or offer a hug. If you are not that close, just a nod and a smile and a supportive word or two really does help

Do: Tell me you are not aware of my illness. Let me know your assumptions.

Don’t: Tell me that I need to get over it. That I do not need the medications and that it is all in my head.

This gets me furious. I am all for trying different alternative therapeutic activities to support my own recovery and continued maintenance without the use of adding more medications. This is an actual illness. Not one that can be cured, but maintained. My brain is not set up the same as someone who does not have this. I cannot just go to therapy and make it all go away. I have to add the medications to help support the continued recovery and maintenance with all my resources. Telling me to get over it will either trigger me into depression or get you a very angry response.

Do: Let me know that my episodes upset you.

Don’t: Associate the episode with me, do not tell me you do not like me when I am like this.

I know each thing I do will trigger some kind of response from those closest to me. Do not tell me how disappointed you are or sigh in frustration when I tell you that I am not doing well and that I am feeling manic. Do not associate me with disappointment, let me know that it bothers you. Obviously if you cannot handle it than perhaps we have to rethink how we are within our relationship, be it associates, coworkers, friends or closer.

Do: Try to get me back on my feet with encouragement if I fall.

Don’t: Make me feel like a piece of shit because I fall back on old habits of self medicating. Try to, without enabling, suggest ways to get me through this. In my case it is shopping. I have to give up my checkbook or my debit card. Now days I can usually maintain without having to give up the power of purchase. I can give it up and still hold onto my own checkbook and debit card. Over indulgence and trying to medicate a serious episode is normal and highly likely to fall no matter how long they have maintained an even keel. Remember that next time your loved one or friend falls. Help them brush their knees off and figure out a strategy on getting through this dark time.

I hope this helps. Remember February is Bipolar Awareness month. The Ribbon is green. If you know someone with bipolar disorder and you do not know about the illness, ask them. Most people who already have let you into their own hell are more than willing to tell you what this disorder is all about. I am not crazy, I have an illness, a disorder. I do not belong locked in an institution or in your attic. I am your mother, your friend, your lover, your teacher, your congresswoman, your grocer. I am many people and deserve to be understood without a stigma.

I have completely avoided everything since the end of my Radio Broadcasting class. I am burnt out. That little struggle with death really knocked me on my rear-end. But I can feel the mania slipping and I am starting to panic. I am still all over the place but my mood is funky and I feel like a dead 80′s hair band singer, kind of look like one today too, as you can see. Axel has nothing on me.

I can also tell by what music I choose to listen too. Right now I am listening to Nellie McKay. She rocks do not get me wrong, but her music I play when I am in an angry, out of control mood. She tends to make me smile and so I slip slowly back down to earth.

There is no simple answer to dealing with the fluxes of being manic depressive. I still get a giggle at the fact the doctors kept telling me I had situational depression. See, all over the place. I also am not eating right again and drinking coffee. Geuss I need to get those new running shoes on and go kick some butt running, eating full meals that I cook and tomorrow perhaps I will try not to look like a Goldstream Valley Hippy/Ex Hair band star and more like me. Also I think a little Sublime is in order instead of Nellie!!

Potatoes are in the oven roasting, steaks are marinating, and the forgotten sour cream is on it’s way home. NCIS is playing in the background and Saint Nicholas is still guarding the fireplace. It seems so cheery. And it should be. I got to see my psych doctor today and I had a lovely talk. I discussed my impulse issues with the new stresses that have been in my life. I asked to not be put back on Lamictal and wanted something less intrusive so I could retain and do well in school, especially with the new classes I am taking.

The moon is lovely tonight and I just have a great feeling about the new meds.  Ambilify, which is used in conjunction with many bipolar medications and patients. Some doctors take you off Seroquel if you have the less severe form of bipolar, unlike me. For me, it is to help with leveling me off my emotional roller coaster and it may even let me be able to not have to take Xanax for anxiety! That would be great since it is an addictive drug and it seems to just take the edge off. I do not want to up the dose anymore then I am already. At least I am back to not having to take it every day, that is a great thing! It is another anti psychotic, which I am not that thrilled with, but hey, I have been known to have episodes so whatever works! She gave me samples for a month to try it out and if it works she will prescribe them for me next time we see each other, in thirty days.

So all and all it is a beautiful night thus far. As you can see by my weather monitor, much warmer. I can handle being outside which means I can start walking again. The new drug can cause weight gain and one of my goals is to lose thirty pounds by the end of the semester. Go me!

For the first time in a long time I am just happy. Not manic, not anxious and spazzing out on my friends. Just happy. It has been a long time since I felt this level, and I have not been feeling THAT bad in the first place! I hope everyone is having a good start to the new year and thank you again, everyone, for all your love and support.

Brightest of Blessings

Kriss

Recently I was informed that my beautiful eldest daughter was diagnosed with biopolar. I guess I am not surprised I always knew there were genetics behind something like there is, just like wiht ADD.

There is a study going on at The Columbia Bipolar Genetic Study. Some of the things mentioned that they have learned thus far are:

Is bipolar disorder a genetic condition?

Bipolar disorder runs in families.

The children of parents with manic depression are at increased risk for developing the disease themselves, even if they are adopted and raised by parents who do not have this condition. This clearly points to the involvement of genetic influences.

Twin studies provide additional support for the importance of genetic factors. The identical twin of someone who suffers from manic depression is at a much greater risk for the illness than a fraternal twin. Because identical twins share all their genes and fraternal twins share only half their genes, this difference in risk highlights the role of heredity as a cause of the disorder.

Do other factors play a role in determining who develops the disorder?

Environmental factors are also believed to play a role in determining who is susceptible to the disease. Such factors may include certain viral infections, toxic agents, and emotional stress.

What is currently known about the specific genes involved?

Because bipolar disorder, or manic depression, is common in the general population, it is believed that several — possibly many — genes are involved in the illness. (About 1% of the population suffer from bipolar disorder, and an additional 10% to 15% have related conditions such as hypomania and depression.)

In recent years, linkage between the illness and genetic markers has been reported by several investigators, but the genes themselves have yet to be isolated.

The Columbia Bipolar Genetic Study has reported a possible marker for the disease gene on chromosome 21. This finding has been reproduced by other investigators.

Other groups have reported possible markers on other chromosomes, including chromosomes 4, 13, 18, and the X-chromosome.

The disease may not be caused by the same gene or genes in all individuals.

Some genes may be involved because they interact with other genes.

I recently read that 90 % of marriages that involve one partner having bipolar disorder end in divorce.

Compared to the rate of ‘normal’ marriages of 40% failing it is a staggering statement. I have been married three times, and three times it ended in divorce. It shames me to even state that. And now, being engaged but with no date set, I am faced again with a possible failure. It scares me to death. I am madly in love with my significant other, Geoff, but I am so scared I am going to let him down and he will leave me.

The difference is going to be both of our awareness of my disorder. What effects it, what helps it, and what we do productively to stay on top of it. As I have mentioned before we have developed lots of ways to cope and to deal with things on a day to day basis. Organization and good regular schedules seem to be the most important for maintaining a healthy enviroment. But we have had a lot of ups and downs within the relationship. At one point Geoff even moved out for a few weeks.

One of the things we have learned is that we both need to talk more. With the medication the intimacy is lacking activity. I have to remember that I am accountable and that I am just as responsible for paying attention to my own actions as well as Geoff keeping an extra eye on me. At times I feel like a child, but I know he is just wanting me to be happy and does not want to deal with the ‘crazy’ me. I also have to be sensitive to his own emotional status. Recently I talked to him about what it takes for him not to walk away. What he expects from me and what he thinks I need to expect from him.

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Now that winter is here, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, I can feel a crash approaching for me. This makes me more subject to influence on my reactions and responses to outside stimuli, like the weather, or a schoolmates critique on poetry I had written. It reminds me why it is essential to go back to my doctors, make sure that I am communicating my feelings with my partner, Geoff, and consciously checking the danger signs I have that show I am headed to a crash. Mental Health America published a nice fact sheet that shows specific warning signs for adults. Though bipolar is not a mental illness, this is a good list that Geoff and I use.

• Confused thinking
• Prolonged depression (sadness or irritability)
• Feelings of extreme highs and lows
• Excessive fears, worries and anxieties
• Social withdrawal
• Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Strong feelings of anger
• Delusions or hallucinations
• Growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
• Suicidal thoughts
• Denial of obvious problems
• Numerous unexplained physical ailments
• Substance abuse

I am in the middle of rapid cycling. I am feeling manic and am not sleeping well again. I have had a nice run of feeling good and with a year, since I was diagnosed, under my belt, I am more prepared for some of this but there are other factors that make staying completely on top of my disorder through sheer preparedness. Some of them are the warning signs. If I am having confusion in my though process, I am going to be less able to think myself out of a crash. My mania is coming forth with being more aggressive and angry at home. I have been feeling less and less tolerant of change and people lately, so I am withdrawing socially.

The easiest cue that something is up with me is my house. Is it a mess or is it clean? It is a type of “mirror” to how I am feeling inside. It maybe clean, but if it is cluttered, I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. If the house is trashed and little housework has been done, then I have been depressed for more then a few days on top of being sick and full of anxiety. As you can see these listed above. Geoff has a copy of this on the fridge, there are two more copies upstairs and added to those are things I am supposed to do when I feel like this. For example: dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits – eat breakfast before leaving house, eat a snack before going upstairs after class, take a walk, check caffeine intake (which now I am off so I it is not the factor it was before), no food past 8 PM. By doing this I have a written cheat sheet on what I can do on my own to put the brakes on me crashing fast. Thankfully I have not had all of these symptoms, some of the biggies, such as delusion and/or hallucinations, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse are signs that you are in need a med check and need for more outside support, such as a councilor, ASAP!