Lost in the Woods

Quickie update! Seems like that is all I do lately! Let’s run it down.

#1 All my funding for school is coming WITHOUT any contracts or probation due to medical reasons!

#2 My kids are all doing well!

#3 My mother and I are still getting along here in WA which is amazing considering our history.

#4 Am at Kelly’s house with her four kids and two dogs hanging out and having a good time already!

#5 I got five inches cut off my hair, pictures to come later!

#6 I get to be back in AK in a few days, and cannot wait!

#7 Have only had to take Xanax 4 times since Christmas morning, and no self medicating!

So so far so good, the rest of my top ten to come later tonight!

One final almost done. Just have to matte and frame the photos for the photo show for my Inkjet printing class. It will be nice, I am calling it Since and Sensuality because there are so many sexual undertones to these macro shot photos. The teacher looked at them and said they were beautiful, which meant a lot because I was not sure I had pulled it off. I will be hanging them on Monday the 14th and they will be in the UAF Wood Center from then till February 18th! I will try to get some up on here so I can show it off and on Facebook. But I am not at home at the moment and won’t be able to do that till I have access to my Mac Pro at home. This is just a Toshiba and has no photo editing programs that will change the tif’s into jpegs.

I am going to try and write a paper to get it in on time for my class tomorrow but I doubt it. I am staying at a friend’s while Geoff is in Arizona and I have a hard time writing anywhere then at home. I then have to re-do one paper for that class and write a paper on King Lear that is due on the 14th too. I also have a final for the last class and two reading responses to write so I can at least have a chance for an A in that class, but I will settle for the B just so I have it done!

Thank goodness for Xanax because I have such high anxiety not being able to have the solace and safety of being at home. My mom sent me a Thanksgiving check so I have some money to take a taxi home tomorrow at least so I can clean the house for the kids when they get there on Friday and so I have one night to just CHILL and watch some TV on my big TV instead of the laptop. It has been so hard getting up in the morning because he gets up hours before I usually do, my friend that is. I got the right medications now so I know that is helping but my body and brain are still drug addled when I wake up. Plus not sleeping in my own bed and sharing a futon with two large dogs and my friend makes it hard for me to get to sleep so I have to top off my normal night meds with a half a Xanax just to sleep, but that is ok just makes me drugged out in the morning.

I managed to get back to my friend’s house on the new Grey Line bus route without completely going into a full on anxiety attack. Taking the bus always makes me so nervous, not sure why. It could be from the year I spent working for the local school bus company and having it bring back memories of my life before the divorce. It also could be because it is at night. But I managed to ride home yesterday night and early this morning on my own without missing it and without incident. I did not even have to take a Xanax this morning, mainly because I think because I had my final printed, and I found out a week early, which is never a bad thing.  So, I did not have to race to print, and I am the only one done. I am worried about cutting my mattes because the pictures are not perfect 11×14 inches they are more like 10.766×16.369 inches and one that is another off size. But I know I can do it just have to not freak out. Hopefully the frames that Jason has sitting in his office are fixable and I do not have to buy anymore because we are so short on money this time of year.

As for school next semester, I still am wondering if I want to fight with the financial aid office or just hope that my Pell Grant covers the whole tuition and books. Or I just take two classes and go from there. This is a definite possibility and maybe the best idea to give me a chance at getting my aid back for next year. It is going to be forever till I graduate, which kills me but we will see. After I finish these three classes we will see how bad it was that my math class was dropped this semester. I just hope I am back up to 75% completion so I can have my aid without a fight. I have to get a letter from my adviser again to say she thinks I can handle the four credits and supports me so the office will grant me my financial aid, but as I said before I am done stressing about that.

I have three weeks to be with my kids in WA for the holidays and although I will miss Geoff so much I will be able to relax and enjoy a vacation, the first in five years, out of state and with my family. I have not seen my brother or his family since summer of 2004, so it will be very nice for me.

So things are going better and hopefully I can pull off not failing Shakespeare again. I am going to give it my all, but I am not writing well enough for the teacher and so the best I can really hope for is to not fail. Even if I have to take it a third time or take it in the Spring with another teacher, I will do it. I have to, or all of this will have been for nothing.

OK so I canceled my appointment with my doctor because I did not have a ride. It was a week ago. I have been off Abilify now for over a week and I miss it big time. Now it is Xanax time and I hate being on that during the day. The other problem is that I am out of my thyroid medications. We just have not had the spare cash. All of our spare cash after major bills is going towards cleaning supplies and get ready for Geoff’s mom and step-dad’s return. We are never going to be 100% ready what so ever! Geoff will not even get off the couch to help. Granted we both have been so sick it is not even funny. But at least I have been working through being sick, plus doing homework a head of time and trying to stay on top of packing us. I honestly feel like I have done more, but that is not fair because he works all day and has to put up with me freaking out. I wish Jack Daniels and a pack of cigarettes would solve the problem but all it will do is make it worse since I cannot drink and smoking, well I am weening myself off.

I am a bad patient because not only did I bail on my appointment, but i also have not called to reschedule. I am not taking my thyroid meds which will not only cause me physical issues but also cause me some chemical imbalance which of course is going to screw up the medication I am using now. Why am I doing this to myself? I am back to not being able to read my books again. At least I can do my other homework. But focus and concentration for long periods of time are not on the top of my abiitiy list at the moment. I cannot even find a decent link to put into this lovely randam post.

Well, here I sit doped up on a full 2 mg of Xanax. Why? After starting Abilify I have not had to use it except if I am anxious and having a slight PTSD episode at night. Well Geoff’s job issues are spilling over to me and my own life. My job is school, being a mom and a supportive partner.

Issues come up when your partner is unable to take care of money issues, such as bill’s and the spending habits of both of us. I have been spending money to supplement my attention that I am lacking from Geoff. This is normal for bipolar patients. I cannot even handle dealing with how much money is in the bank at any given time. I cannot be held responsible for paying bills. It is about stress. I never even get a receipt at the ATM! He never listens to my advice and is constantly going through bad turns at trying to get the store off the ground and so he needs me to be OK.

Here is the problem with that. More stress means that the medication that are keeping me level are not doing their job because I am more chemically unbalanced. I am barely keeping it going.

Today I was almost brought to my knees when I found out that Geoff could not bring me home. That would mean me being stuck on campus without anything to do. Sure I had homework but I cannot read it just knocks me out or I cannot focus. My friend Mike has been a giant sweetheart and toting me around, fixing and upgrading my computers. Although I am supporting his own depression due to a separation of him and his partner, I feel guilty because he is just doing so much. But he ended up taking me home in  of taking a shower as payment. (He also lives in a dry cabin).He then proceeded to bring a FedEx package for me. But he is not Geoff!!

Geoff called me and told me that our Anniversary weekend and my weekend with the kids was ruined because of three of his employees. Now two of them are legitimate medical reasons, but the other one took advantage of Geoff’s generosity and bought plane tickets and said she was going to be gone three days, over their busiest weekends of heyear, Valentines Day, and now she is not coming back till next weekend. So if one of the other ones did not put off going on medical leave for one day he would be working the night before Valentines Day by himself.

When he started telling me all of this when he came home for a short visit this evening after I spent all day not even being able to pay attention to the TV I was watching to try to pass the time. Half the time I was tempted to take an anxiety pill but I held off, till he started in on all the crap that is going down at the store. Then I found myself sobbing, being held as I rocked uncontrollably. Xanax was the first thing I did, now I am more focused but I am still feeling very unstable.

Again this is why medications have to be checked all the time. Each instance, each incident, the weather, the stress will call for medications beign increased or changed to match the main symptom. I am not manic, nor depressed, I am in a state of constant panic and starting to hear old and bad things that make me fight for my self esteem.  So yes this is the month of anxiety and episodes, thank god I have Xanax and people who love me. Even if some of them are not around like I need them too.

Ever road a bus where it is half empty, your iPod is playing mellow tunes because you are already anxious enough to be on the bus, and have sixteen foreign people averaging around twenty get on the bus all at once. I quickly moved my bag to my lap, thankfully I was looking a bit freaked out and no one sat in my chair. I tried to just talk with my friend who was riding also, but they started asking us questions because I mentioned that my cabin was being cabin-sat while we house-sat Geoff’s mom’s house.

I did manage to get a quick interview in and learned that the dry cabin is a foreign concept to them. Only a scattering of people have them and usually only use them as hunting cabins. They chose this area because the White Mountains were a challenge compared to the hills at home. They also chose the White Mountains because they have cabins with trails attached with them.They were going to what they say was Cache Creek Cabin. I am not sure if that is right or not.

I was only on the bus for thirty minutes and I was in such a state of anxiety that was almost manic. According to Surviving Bipolar suffers of bipolarism can suffer anxiety that is seperate from their bipolar condition or one that is part of their condition.

“Anxiety is closely related to bipolar disorder and, because of this, sometimes bipolar disorder is also called “anxious mania”. Anxiety in bipolar disorder can be of two types: anxiety as a symptom of bipolar disorder and a separate anxiety condition along with bipolar disorder”

The scary thing is that if you have the disorder that is a separate condition along with your bipolarism you have to really watch and be monitored by your doctor because certain anti-depressives can cause even worse problems. Since I have PTSD and bipolar, my anxiety is related to the PTSD and has to be treated separately and with something that will not conteract with my bipolar medication, Serequel.

I survived the bus ride, after popping a Xanax and getting a nice hair cut and am ready for another test this week. Just remember that anxiety maybe part of your bipolar disorder and if it is not you and your doctor have to nail it down to diminish the counteractions with the medications you are on for bipolar.

Potatoes are in the oven roasting, steaks are marinating, and the forgotten sour cream is on it’s way home. NCIS is playing in the background and Saint Nicholas is still guarding the fireplace. It seems so cheery. And it should be. I got to see my psych doctor today and I had a lovely talk. I discussed my impulse issues with the new stresses that have been in my life. I asked to not be put back on Lamictal and wanted something less intrusive so I could retain and do well in school, especially with the new classes I am taking.

The moon is lovely tonight and I just have a great feeling about the new meds.  Ambilify, which is used in conjunction with many bipolar medications and patients. Some doctors take you off Seroquel if you have the less severe form of bipolar, unlike me. For me, it is to help with leveling me off my emotional roller coaster and it may even let me be able to not have to take Xanax for anxiety! That would be great since it is an addictive drug and it seems to just take the edge off. I do not want to up the dose anymore then I am already. At least I am back to not having to take it every day, that is a great thing! It is another anti psychotic, which I am not that thrilled with, but hey, I have been known to have episodes so whatever works! She gave me samples for a month to try it out and if it works she will prescribe them for me next time we see each other, in thirty days.

So all and all it is a beautiful night thus far. As you can see by my weather monitor, much warmer. I can handle being outside which means I can start walking again. The new drug can cause weight gain and one of my goals is to lose thirty pounds by the end of the semester. Go me!

For the first time in a long time I am just happy. Not manic, not anxious and spazzing out on my friends. Just happy. It has been a long time since I felt this level, and I have not been feeling THAT bad in the first place! I hope everyone is having a good start to the new year and thank you again, everyone, for all your love and support.

Brightest of Blessings

Kriss

Self-medicating oneself is something that is very prevalent with anyone going through tough times. But comparing the person that had a bad day at work reaching for the Häagen-Dazs® to the bipolar patient who even on their medications still feel the need to self medicate inappropriately, such as grabbing a bottle of Merlot instead of a bottle of water and a good book. “Self medicating with alcohol or other drugs is common in bipolars and leads to mood instability.  It makes long-term treatment of bipolar affective disorder difficult, if not impossible to achieve. “ (Bipolarworld.net)

Medication is not going to cure me or any other bipolar patients. It is a tool to help you get through the day and utilize other tools, such as therapy and routine. They help manage and reduce the manic or depressive episode, but they will not cure it. The person must learn to self-monitor yourself and recognize the signs that something is going wrong and the chemistry is shifting in the brain.

I have had my own issues with alcohol. Thankfully not drugs but my mom used to tell me when I had a stressful day to have a glass of wine. She was not trying to push alcohol at me, but at the time I was just a stressed out mom and had not been diagnosed with bipolar. As a child I used to sneak food to help me feel better, or eat a box of dry Jello® to get that good warm sugar high instead of feeling so down. But now I am on medications, mixing it with alcohol or any other drugs and even some foods can be detrimental to my recovery.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, Minimal Medication and Health Care Coverage Blues , I am dealing with my disorder without my medication, except for my anxiety and for that there is Xanax! So how am I doing it without grabbing a bottle of wine and trying to feel better? I am educated now, I know it will really set me back months and not do me any good. So I turn to the next best thing, my famous chili. I thought I had made enough to medicate me for a week, then Geoff discovered it. It lasted two days. But, it was the good kind of self medication, especially during these cold winter days! The only secret I will tell you about is cocoa powder. Wanna know more? Drop me a line!

It has been an insane and wild ride leading up to this day, finally. Whether you voted for the first black candidate for either party or voting for the Barbie Party. Or perhaps voting for the biggest religious bigot, Bob Barr, or perhaps the funny old man with a Pee Wee Herman fashion sense or perhaps Big Bird if you wanted to write someone in, it was painful. If you have not voted, get out there and vote, this is a big important year. We get to get rid of Bush finally!

But what happened to having a canidate that was a good choice? What happened to the John Kennedy’s? Have we gone so far down the rabbit hole that we are losing touch on what it means to be running the country these days. Everyone has their own spin, from mavericks to buying the first political advertisment in a video game. It is disgusting. Sure we play less obvious dirty politics, we still are playing them. Take the “lipstick on a pig” fiasco! Sure let’s play the gender card, oh Mr. Blackman, real nice.

It just seems to get dirtier and dirtier every four years. I have been voting for twenty-two years now and I find it harder and harder to deal with. I have taken more xanax in the last month due from the stress! I do have to say it was exciting to see poor Sarah make an ass out of herself almost every time she opened her mouth or winked at us with her classic “you betcha” muttered every three sentences. During the VP debates I was interviewed and mistaken for a Palin Fan in the Newsminer. They did not quote it but when I called to talk to the journalist that misreported this information, their comment was that I seemed to be very happy with the whole situation. Well of course I was, she made an ass out of herself and it was humerus. Of course Biden was plain scary, at least Sarah made it fun!

All and all I am glad it is finally over. Now the waiting comes. Hopefully it will go well. Either candidate frightens the hell out of me. Both have good points, but more over the bad points are detrimental to the ongoing livelyhood of the U.S. Tonight is a night for a couple of beers and a good movie while checking my Blackberry for the updates on the polls.

Having talked a lot about depression, it is about time I discussed mania, the fun part of being an un-medicated bipolar patient. At least it was before I got on my medications!

Mania is defined as the high of bipolar. Within the disorder it is described as “sufferers experience a disturbingly elevated mood and loss of control, which can set off a number of other symptoms. Manic patients may experience hyperactivity, increased talkativeness, impulsive behavior and grandiose ideas.” (wiseGEEK) This is the main reaction of female patients. But many male patients also experience outbreaks of anger and aggressiveness compared to female patients. I know from having male friends with bipolar that their mania displayed much more on the aggressive side then the female patients. Females that I know, including myself, tend to be ‘Chatty Cathys” and hyper cleaners/organizers. But at times it turns into an obsessive compulsive behavior. I can remember watching a woman empty and refill her purse at least twenty times in the waiting room of my psychiatrists office. She almost seemed like she was on speed.

I would not sleep for two or three weeks, except for 15 minute naps or passing out. I would completely reorganized my cabin even down the junk drawer or my jewelry station during that time. I could take on projects and finish them. I felt it was highly useful. I would feel invencible and extremley happy to the point of feeling high on life. This would cause me to spend to much money and become obsessive about silly little things, and make judgement calls that put me at risk. But in reality the no sleep was causing major emotional problems and eventually agression towards those close to me with a very short temper.

So what do my meds do? Take it all away. I can no longer tap the manic mania and ride it through. Medication has taken it away, and in as many bipolar patients report, I miss my mania! I am on Seroquel, Lamictal and Xanax. The Seroquel is a drug typically prescribed for Schizophrenia and recently has replaced Lithium for bipolar patients. It is an anti-psychotic and works by blocking certain receptors in the brain and stops my mania as well as helping overall to level me out. The Lamictal is new to the treatment of bipolar patients. It is an anti-seizure medication that is now used and works to delay the time between episodes of highs and lows. Xanax is an age old wonder and used for anxiety disorders. For me it is for my PTSD, anxiety and my sleep problems. I can also use it as needed for acute anxiety attacks. However, Xanax is highly addictive and not many bipolar patients can use it because of the high percentage of substance abuse.

After a year of being on medication for my bipolar, as I have mentioned, I am finding myself mourning my lost mania. But remembering what my mania was like is kind of like how I remember the labor of childbirth. Forgetting the pain and the bad aspects and only remember the good. So when mania starts, even with medication, I have to do my best to stay on top of it. Take advantage of it positively and keep track of its progression so I can avoid the bad side of it.